Let’s face it, nobody is that keen to stand up and make a speech in front of lots of people, let alone when they know the pressure is on to also make the crowd laugh!
Image from Lucy & Adam’s Real Wedding
Don’t be worrying though! If you are the groom, best man, father of the bride or another unwitting member of the wedding party that has been asked to give a speech, start with our guide to making a wedding speech then just cast your eye over this selection of jokes, pick one or two you like, read our guide to working jokes into your speech and we guarantee you’ll have your guests laughing out loud!
In fact, there’s so many jokes you can choose from that we’ve split them into two sections. Here you’ll find every joke that starts with the letter A, right through to the letter M and if you take a look at our guide to more fabulous jokes for a wedding speech, you’ll find every joke that starts with the letter N through to the letter Z.
Aaaaagh
‘Tall, handsome, sensitive, intelligent, funny, brave, musical and athletic. I am all these things — so why on earth did Paula have to go and marry Mark?’
Absent friends
‘I’d just like to read a text from Terry, the landlord at The Grapes, where Bob and Carol like to go for a drink on the occasional night with a “y” in it:
“Congratulations to you both. Sorry I can’t be there today but work’s work, and there’s a big crowd in for the football. Everyone sends their love, and the wife asks if you could send us a picture of the beaming bride and groom, mounted.” [you pause, then look up] Surely just a peck on the cheek would do?’
‘Sadly, Micha/Michael cannot be with us today. But if he/she were here, I know exactly what they’d say: “Great suit/dress, Bob/Roberta, but £300 for some fancy paper serviettes? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?”’
‘It’s a great shame Colin couldn’t be with us tonight, though I know a couple of people – Jack and Jim – who’re quite glad he’s not, as he always really lays into one of them. Mr Jack Daniels and Mr Jim Beam, that is.’
[M other of bride standing in for deceased father of bride] ‘If my husband was here today, he’d say, “Typical! You never could resist bloody sticking your oar in, could you?” And of course he’d be right. But then again, if I can’t say my piece today of all days, when can I? Juliet is truly her father’s daughter and I know that she’s missing him today as much as I am. Weddings are a time of happiness, not sadness, but we both agreed that we could let this occasion pass without Dad getting a mention. And now I hear him whispering in my ear: “Get on with it woman!”’
Accidents
‘Well, it’s certainly been an eventful day already, and full marks to all the organisers for keeping us on our toes. The flat battery in the bride’s limo was an original start — or non-start – and the “£5 OFF” stickers clearly visible on the groom’s heels made for a real talking point. The vicar’s uncontrollable hayfever was a truly inspired touch, topped off by the father of the groom taking two-and-a-half hours to drive the three miles from the ceremony to the reception. All in all, it’s been a day that no one will forget in a hurry, and it’s these funny little moments that we will all remember with a smile when we look back on this special day. At least that’s what I keep telling the bride and groom. Now [feeling frantically in all pockets]: where’s my speech?’
Age gap
‘People often ask us if the age gap between me and Janine has a big impact on our relationship. And I always say [shouting, cupping ear with hand]: WHAT’S THAT? CAN YOU SPEAK UP, DEAR? YES, LOVELY WEATHER WE’VE BEEN HAVING…’
‘When Tom first asked Emma out, he asked her if she liked Spandau Ballet. She said she preferred the opera…’
‘Kate took a keen professional interest in Steve. She’s an archaeologist.’
Army
‘James did once think of joining the army. But let’s face it, the only army he’d join would have a white cross on a white background for its flag…’
Babies
‘Do Fred and Jo want babies? Well, let’s just say I know what religion the Pope is and we all know what bears do in the woods…’
Baby memories
‘Karen was always a very generous soul, right back to when she was a small child and would gladly share the contents of her potty with whoever was passing. We all got used to it after a while, though I’m not sure the postman ever did…’
Bad habits
‘In a world without women, you’d be served smaller portions in restaurants. That’s because you wouldn’t have to fend off the dive-bomb raids from the vulture by your side who’s just told the waiter she’s not hungry but who, now she’s set her beady eyes on your grub, is suddenly absolutely ravenous. And yes, I’m talking about you, Nicky…’
‘[In spoof policeman’s voice, perhaps wearing copper’s helmet and consulting notebook] Now then, now then, has Steve got a record of bad habits? you ask. Indeed he has, I’m afraid, and it’s a most criminal one. He’s done time for hoarding old bus tickets and nibbling his toenails, when it comes to loo seats he’s a persistent offender, and he’s also asked for 27 cases of mouldy sock abuse to be taken into consideration…’
Bathroom habits
‘I won’t say that Lyn likes to spend a long time getting ready in the bathroom, but usually by the time I’ve waited for her to come out, I need to shave again.’
‘Though he is generally very good at technical stuff, Graeme has little understanding of the science behind dandruff or the hidden causes of the split end. This is a man who scrubs his scalp every night with Ajax and Brillo Pad.’
‘I’m told that Jeremy always likes to listen to a Wagner opera or two on the loo. “Why’s that?” I asked. “Because you’re guaranteed several movements,” he replied.’
Bedroom
‘And here is a picture of Tom’s room as a child…’ [Displays picture of enormous, seagull-riddled rubbish tip eg on flipchart or slide projector]
‘When I went round to Eve’s place for the first time, and saw her room, an odd phrase popped into my mind. It was the words: “war-torn Beirut”.’
Beginnings
[Adopt mock-solemn expression, then say as you make the sign of the cross] ‘In the name of the father and the son and the…’ [pause, look confused] ‘Oh no. Sorry. We’ve done that bit.’
[adopting northern accent of old style comic] ‘Now here’s another one you won’t get: why does a cucumber make a better lover than the mother-in-law? [pause] ‘Oh sorry. Wrong gig.’
‘Brevity, as I explain on page 72 of my speech, is indeed the soul of wit.’
[Rip off jacket to reveal toy grenades strapped to shirt, then say with a manic grin:] ‘If this speech dies, YOU’RE ALL COMING WITH ME!!…’
‘I’ve been told the essence of a good speech is to stand up and be seen, speak up and be heard, and sit down and shut up.’ [Sit down.]
[Said by speaker with bald hair or receding hairline] ‘I’ve been really worried about this speech. So worried, in fact, that I‘ve been tearing my hair out.’
Best Man
‘I’m told that one of the few acceptable reasons for turning the job of Best Man is when “you don’t know the groom that well and are not even really sure why you’ve been asked”. Well nothing could be further from the case with me and Eric… I mean, Bert… I mean Steve…’
‘They say that when it comes to the Best Man’s speech the guests are usually nice and warmed up by all the booze and the sentimental speeches that have gone before. I just hope it doesn’t get so warm that it brings the tumbleweed out…’
‘And, now let me hand you over to my Vest Man, I mean my Best Man, Eddie…’
Birthdays
‘Today, for those of you don’t know, it also happens to be the father of the bride’s luck. What rotten luck — having to buy everyone the first round at the bar on top of everything else he’s spent today…’
‘As some of you may know, today is my birthday. At the risk of sounding corny, let me just say that my new wife/husband is the best present anyone could wish for…’
Bride’s father
[Speaking of groom] ‘It’s customary for the father of the bride to say on a day like today that he and his wife haven’t so much lost a daughter as gained a son. Well, in our case we haven’t so much lost a daughter as gained an obsessive Wolves fan with an unusually large collection of cowboy boots and an old Triumph Herald in pieces all over our back garden…’
Cars
‘And here — ah, this one takes me back… [Displays picture of rubbish-filled skip eg on flipchart or slide projector] …Here’s a picture of Garry’s first car.’
Childhood
‘When Jane was only 11, she took up the trombone. And once we heard her practising, we made sure she’d given it up by 11.30.’
(‘At 11 Jane took up the trombone. Once we heard her practising, we made sure she’d given it up by 11.30’)
Children
‘I’d like to say a big thank you to my one-year nephew Paul, without whose constant help and attention this wedding would have been prepared in half the time.’
Children (from previous relationships)
‘Blimey. I knew that Jeff and Deanne both already had family [shield your eyes as you scan the assembled guests, then say incredulously:] But surely: you can’t all be their children!!’
Chocolate
‘Chocoholic Mary is quite the philosopher. Ask her the secret of a happy and healthy life, and she’ll say: “A Mars a day helps you work, rest and play.” Ask her for her solution to today’s rising stress levels, and she’ll say, “Have a break, have a Kit Kat.” And ask her about what attracted her to Barry and she’ll say: [Sing it, if you dare…] “EVERYONE’S A FRUIT AND NUT CASE!!!”’
Class
‘I don’t want to sound patronising about Barry’s background… but HE ACTUALLY USES HIS BIDET FOR WASHING HIS BACKSIDE IN!’
College
‘As students, Rob and I were paupers. We used to make a teabag last a week. We ate tomato ketchup sandwiches. We went to the public loo over the road because we couldn’t afford to buy loo roll. And once, we nicked a load of food from the kitchen of a party because we had nothing to eat the next day. Rob stood at the top of the stairs while I lobbed him down crisps and groceries. “Quick,” I whispered. “Put these sardines in your pocket.” “I can’t,” Rob whispered back dejectedly. “Oh come on — this is no time to get moral,” I snapped. “It’s not that,” said Rob. “It’s just I’ve got half a dozen eggs in there already. And I’ve just sat on one.”
Compatibility
‘Of course, Alan and Chloe have both had partners before, but neither has really found anyone totally compatible. Who else would be prepared to lend a hand when Alan cleans out his salamander tank? And who else would be prepared to cheer and sing as Chloe shows off her newly choreographed routine to Barry Manilow’s Copacabana?’
‘In the little-known Cockney horoscope, Darren was born in the Year of the Jellied Eel, while Siobhan was born in the Year of the Potted Shrimp… This is always a very happy combination because Eels are electric on the dance floor and Siobhan was tickled pick when he brought her out of his shell. Prawn again, she was…’
Cooking
‘It’s not that Justin is a particular bad cook, but the cockroaches in the kitchen have just asked for a suggestion box…’
Cooking
‘Tim insists that all those pungent dishes he slaves over for hours in the kitchen are “100 per cent cruelty-free”. I don’t know about that: I reckon his mushroom risotto could do a bit of damage in the wrong hands…’
Culture
‘As you know, Terry is a bit of a class act. He thinks “erudite” is a glue, spells culture with a “K”, orders his steak tartare “well done”, sends his crème brulee back when it’s arrives burnt, and thinks the London Underground is a dangerous political movement. And when he was asked if he was going to wear his mourning suit today, he replied: [adopt gormless tone] “Why? Who’s died?”’
Dancing
‘On the stag night I came across two of our mates, Kev and Dan, with bleeding noses. “Have you two been fighting?” I asked anxiously. “Nah,” they said. We got these dancing next to Gary…’
Degree
‘Janine is always one to hide her light under a bushel. Many of you may not know, for instance, that at college she was the author of a ground-breaking paper entitled: Symbolism and the Alarm Clock, 1912-56/The Reproductive Cycle of the Common Termite/Metaphor and Simile in Dynasty…’
Dieting
‘Caroline has been planning her wedding for as long as anyone can remember. In fact she’s been on her special “Wedding Dress Diet” since 1994. Which is odd, as she only met Gary in ‘97…’
Differences between husband and wife
‘Pam and Pete are very different characters but they say opposites attract and in their case that’s certainly true. To get an idea of their chalk-cheese relationship, ask them to sit down on the sofa and then shout: “OOH AAH!!” Pete will jump up and start shouting, “OOH AAH CANTONAAAA!!!” Pam, meanwhile, will start dancing and singing: “OOH AAH JUST A LITTLE BIT! OOH AAH JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE!!!”’
DIY
‘Paul is so keen on DIY that he once turned up at a party, attached to a long piece of wood on which he had placed three cans of lager, a clock, an ashtray and a copy of High Fidelity. “What on earth is that?” I asked, pointing to his outfit. Paul replied: “I’VE COME AS MY SHELF!!”’
Drinking habits
‘I wouldn’t say Louisa has a drinking problem but I did once catch her trying to down a bottle of hair tonic. “What on earth are you doing that for?” I asked. “I thought it was eau de cologne,” she replied.
‘George is certainly a fixture down at his local in the village. You know you’re a valued customer when the landlord’s sheepdog will cash cheques for you…’
Driving
‘It would be unfair to describe Charlie as the world’s worst driver. There’s a getaway driver on Police! Cameras! Action! 3 who’d give him a good run for his money.’
‘Once I gave Dave a call as he was driving home from work on the ring road. “Be careful,” I said. “Apparently, there’s some nutter who’s driving in the wrong direction.” “It’s not just one,” said Dave. “There’s blooming hundreds of them.”’
‘Pauline’s legendary short-sightedness didn’t really help when it came to her driving test. “I want you to pull out after that red van, then stop when you see the Give Way sign,” said the instructor. So Pauline replied: [Put on panicky voice] “WHO SAID THAT??!?!”’
Driving
‘Jemima very kindly gave me a lift to the wedding rehearsal yesterday. “Can I drop you outside?” she asked. “Yeah, that’s great,” I said. “I can walk to the kerb from here…”’
‘Once, when Jason and I were driving down to a gig on the M1, we had a heated debate about party politics. Jason, who was driving, asked me who I voted for and I said, rather loudly, “Middle of the road!” “There’s nothing wrong with that,” said Jason. “Why the terrified look?” “No,” I said, “WE’RE DRIVING DOWN THE CENTRAL RESERVATION!!!”’
Eating habits
‘The first time I had dinner with Eric I couldn’t quite work out where I’d seen his eating habits before. It wasn’t until the following weekend, when I took my little niece to see the monkeys being fed at the zoo….’
Endings
‘Well that’s it from me. If you liked my speech, the name’s — [give your name]. If you didn’t, it’s — [give the name of another speaker eg best man].’
‘And finally, I’d to finish with a big thank you to all of those who managed to stay awake during my speech and even to laugh politely in one or two places. In fact you’ve been such a lovely audience I only wish I’d had better material…’
‘Ups and downs, high and lows, an emotional rollercoaster, in sickness and in health. And that’s just my speech!’
‘And finally: Confucius, the Chinese philosopher, says something very profound about the secret essence of a truly happy and harmonious marriage. But it was in Chinese, unfortunately, so I never quite got it. Instead, let me simply ask you to be upstanding as we toast…’
Engagement
‘I’ll never forget the night when Josh called to say: “I’m engaged!!” I replied: “Well, call me back when you’re off the loo,” I said.’ [pause] ‘Sorry ladies and gentlemen, that joke was complete toilet. What a loo-ser…’ [continue with as many gags in similar vein as you dare…]
‘The day after I said “yes” to Tom, he called me up at three in the morning. “I told you I’d give you a ring,” he said.’
‘I wouldn’t say that my parents were “pleasantly surprised” when I told them that Jean had accepted my hand in marriage. “Pleasantly gobsmacked” would be much more like it.’
‘It wasn’t that Frances took a bit of persuading to marry Ashley. Unless you count asking her 14 times “a bit of persuading”. Come to think of it, when she finally accepted, he did send an email round to friends and family with the headline: “GOTCHA!”’
Engagement
‘As many of you will know, Tony and I have been engaged for no less than 3/7/9 years. You’re probably wondering: Was it worth the wait? Well… ask me after the honeymoon. We’re due back in August… 2047.’
‘James and Belinda have been engaged for so long that I shall now read the following congratulatory telemessage from the Queen…’
Exes
‘I’m not saying Jo’s first boyfriend wasn’t marriage material, but on his forehead he’d tattooed the word “OOTATT”.’
[ NB: Previous partners are a very sensitive subject, so tread carefully. If in doubt, avoid. If you do think it safe to include a line, why not make a joke about an imaginary ex rather than a real person, talk about a childhood sweetheart, or say something general about how the bride or groom never found anyone who was just right before.]
‘It’s not the done thing to say too much about exes in a wedding speech, I know, but I think that we should all spare a thought for June’s former boyfriend Robbie. Robbie and June used to be inseparable. They’d go out for long cycle rides together, drink from the same straw, hold hands in the park. But unfortunately they split up over a tragic incident in which Robbie spilt paint over June’s favourite outfit. She was the only girl in her class to have dungarees, and in all my life I’ve never seen a seven-year girl quite so upset…’
Father of the bride
‘It’s been an absolute pleasure to give away my daughter today. My only regret is that I didn’t do it years ago …’
First boyfriend/girlfriend
‘Dan’s first girlfriend, when he was seven, was called Sarah. His Dad, Mr Taylor, used to run the clock shop up the road, so Dan’s family called her Sarah “Tick Tock” Taylor. Unfortunately, she fell out with him when he tried to bribe her with a pencil sharpener to see up her skirt. They’ve not seen each for 20 years but tonight, ladies and gentlemen, thanks to the power of the Internet, HERE SHE IS… [make big gesture and point to nearest door, as if she’s about to walk in, then pause, as nothing happens] No, not really.’
First date
‘The first time Jerry and I went out on a date, he clearly wanted to make a big impression. The pub he took us to was so rough that even the arms on the chairs had tattoos. There was trivia quiz on that night and the first question was: “Who d’you think you’re looking at, mush?” The tie-breaker was: “Who spilled my pint?” After that, we went to a club round the corner. The bouncer asked: “Have you got any offensive weapons?” “Of course not,” we replied. So he handed us some broken bottles and said: “You’d better take these. It’s gets pretty nasty in here…”’
First impressions
‘The first time I met my future parents-in-laws I choked on a tea cake, stepped on the cat, and smashed a French window as the result of an over-energetic game of Swingball. But it wasn’t all plain sailing. Let me tell you about some of the sticky moments…’
First time we met
‘The first time I met Greg, at a party, he was 17. He leaned over, looked up at me with his big blue eyes, smiled… then threw up on my shoe. Then he uttered those immortal words which I shall never forget: “Got a fag?” In that heart-stopping moment, somehow, I just knew. So help me God, I knew.’
[After protracted engagement] ‘I knew at once that I had made a big impression on Cath, because shortly after that first fateful meeting, she went and left the country for three months/ started dating my flatmate/ converted to Christianity/ joined Narcotics Anonymous/took to meditating every night/did a First Aid course…’
Fishing
‘The first time I stayed over at Miles’, I asked what he liked doing to relax. He said: “Night fishing.” Well, I’d never heard it called that before…’
Football
‘Adam is so football-mad that it took us weeks to persuade him not to have the wedding list at the Arsenal gift shop [pause]. We were particularly against the idea as we’d already spent a weekend there on the stag do…’
[Bride speaking] ‘In the run-up to this wedding, I found a good way of calming my nerves was to adopt one of those New-Age affirmations, and repeat it over and over again every day like a mantra. I chose: “Every day, in every way, I am getting closer to the wedding of my dreams.” I found it really helpful and said to Adam that if he felt nervous he should think up an affirmation too. Then one night I heard him talking to himself in the bath. I put my ear to the bathroom door, and heard him saying over and over again: “Every day, in every way, Brighton are getting closer to the play-offs.”’
‘As I got to know Paul and his family, I noticed that he and his Dad observed a religious ritual every Saturday afternoon, at exactly 20 to five. The house would fall silent and all would gather around a bright box in the corner of the living room to worship and give praise. That’s right, it was Final Score…’
‘The other night I went for a meal round at Ian and Martha’s. I couldn’t help noticing that there were about a dozen salt and pepper pots spread out on the kitchen table. “What are all those for?” I asked. “I’m still trying to explain to Martha the offside rule,” says Ian.
‘I couldn’t help noticing during the service that the best man kept passing the father of the bride little folded-up pieces of paper. After a while, I got a bit curious so when the next one came over I intercepted it and opened it up. It said: “Tranmere 3, Rotherham 2”.’
Friendship
‘As I said to my parents last night, the best thing is that today I am marrying my best friend. I don’t know where I’d be without err, whatisname, you know…’
Funny habits
‘If it wasn’t for people like Sally, video machines would henceforth be made without the pause button. This is because there would no longer be any need to stop the film to run through the plot again every ten minutes…’
‘As a child Laura was so absent-minded, she was the only paying member of the town library…’
Gardening
‘You can sum up the progress of green-fingered Jack and Jane’s relationship in these three emails, which I received from Jack over a period of six months:
1. “Can’t make the pub tonight — am going on a date with a fantastic girl I just met.”
2. “Can’t make the footie — I’m whisking Jane off to Barcelona for the weekend.”
And finally:
3. “Can’t make the barbecue Saturday — we’ve got a serious mulch situation…’
Golf
‘Golf is certainly Pete’s passion. Possibly his only one. The other night, as we were enjoying an intimate moment, I’m sure I heard him call out: “SEVE!!!”’
‘Golf has been a passion of mine for as long as I can remember, but I’m afraid that June’s never really got into it. The one time she came along, as she landed in a bunker for the third hole
running, I asked her if she wanted a sand wedge. She said: “Ooooh lovely — have you got any tuna and cucumber?”’
Gossip
‘Now Ginny loves gossip. When Rupert started working in her office, she was the first to find out where he lived, where he’d worked previously, what he thought of his boss and whether he had a girlfriend. He said he was single; she showed him otherwise.’
Guests
‘It’ll be easy to spot any gatecrashers today: they’ll be the ones laughing at the jokes in my speech…’
‘I’m afraid I’ve mislaid the actual text of my speech, so instead I’ll be taking questions from the audience…’ [You could use this as an introductory joke, then miraculously find the piece of paper, or you could actually turn your speech into a series of answers to questions which you will have carefully planted with guests beforehand.]
‘If any one can see any reason how I can still get out of giving this speech, speak now or forever hold your peace…’
Gullible
‘I wouldn’t say Dan’s taken in by advertising, but for years he wouldn’t order Strongbow because he didn’t want to get shot by an arrow. He thought Dr Pepper was a real doctor, always ate his sweetcorn because he was afraid of the Jolly Green Giant, and once almost came a cropper trying to ride an egg to work.’
Hair
‘Jim’s so bald that the last time he went to the barbers and asked for a number three, they told him to come back in a year’s time when it’d grown.’
‘I wouldn’t say Dave’s obsessed with his barnet, but he’s just had his car fitted with a hair-view mirror.’
Handsome
‘The groom didn’t always look as good as he does today. When he was born the midwife took one look at him and slapped his father. His mum pushed the only pram in town with shutters. And when she fed him, she used a catapult…’
‘That’s funny. I thought Paul said he was going to wait till after he was married before he really let himself go.’
‘Gary was quite a big lad when he was younger, as I was reminded when he showed me some old school photos recently. “Goodness me,” I said. “You were really tubby!” Gary said, “Yes but don’t forget the camera adds several pounds!” I replied: “God — so how many cameras were on you that day?!!!”’
‘Simon has a beautiful nose. He picked it himself. He took it apart once to see what made it run.’
Hen night
‘Hen nights are a great time for the girls to get together and let their hair down, discuss their real feelings about marriage and relationships, and have a good old moan about the lads. Our night had quite a hippie feel for some reason, with everyone talking about good vibrations. Or something like that…’
Holidays
‘Travelling abroad can often be a very stressful time for couples, but as Trudy and Jo prepare to jet off on their honeymoon to Sardinia, they can at least relax in the knowledge that they have travelled together many times before. There was the time they went Interrailing and had to return home after three days when Jo, a little the worse for wear, fell asleep in the middle of a roundabout and had his stuff nicked. He was known for years after as “The man who thought money-belts weren’t sexy”…’
‘Jake likes to really unwind on holiday, but I hope he won’t get too relaxed on his honeymoon with Jill. I know, from all the rugby tours I’ve been on with him, that his idea of “relaxing” is not having to get out of the bath to pee.’
Honeymoon
‘I’m sure that tonight, the start of their honeymoon, Marie and Vic won’t make the mistake that I heard about a couple who slipped away from the reception supper and took some champagne up to their room. The bride pulled up a chair and sat staring at the stars. After a while her new husband asked: “Aren’t you coming to bed, darling?” “NO WAY,” she replied. “My Mum told me this would be the most beautiful night of my entire life, and I’m not going to miss a second…”’
‘“Where would you like to go for our honeymoon?” I asked Tom. He said: “I’d like to go somewhere dangerous and exciting that I’ve never been before.” So I took him for a decent haircut!’
‘Two eggs are on their honeymoon. In the hotel bedroom, the couple start canoodling on the bed. Then Mrs Egg gets up and says to her new husband, “Just wait a moment, darling. I’m going to go into the bathroom to freshen up – slip into something more comfortable.” A few minutes later, she is back, her smooth oval curves now wrapped in an egg-tremely revealing egg-ligee. Mr Egg takes one look at his beautiful bride, looks startled, and claps his hands over the top of his head. “What are you doing that for, darling?” his wife asks. He replies: “Because the last time I was this egg-cited, someone smacked me over the head with a spoon.”
Horoscope
‘In the Chinese calendar, Ian comes under the Year of the Rooster, while Helen was born in the Year of the Ox. Apparently this makes them “a practical pair who trust each other completely. The rooster brings out the best in the shy ox, while the ox provides a calming environment that soothes the frantic rooster”. I doubt if there’s anything in it, but what I do know is that these two should definitely stay indoors on Bonfire Night.’
Housework
‘In our house, I promise my wife here and now, before everyone present, that I will not treat “wash”, “cook” and “iron” as four-letter words.’
In-laws
‘In Dave and Pippa, I have gained the perfect in-laws. I always cringe when I hear jokes about difficult mothers-in-law because my own experience has been so far from that stereotype. [pause, turn to in-laws timorously] Did I read that right? Please don’t hurt me…’
‘Eve is obsessed with India. On our first date we went to a Bollywood karaoke bar, and on our second to the cinema to see Monsoon Wedding. I’ve promised her that I will help her fulfil her dream of visiting the Taj Mahal. I don’t care how much it costs: it’s the best restaurant in Peckham and it’s worth every penny…’
Interests
‘Until I met Liam, I wasn’t really sure that marquetry/basket-weaving/website design could ever really be interesting. But after one conversation with him I was absolutely certain. It definitely isn’t.’
‘I could never work out why Gordon was so into stamp collecting, and he told me he did it for the ladies. “How come?” I asked. Gordon said: “Because philately will get you anywhere…”’
‘Cole is an obsessive stamp collector but, quite understandably perhaps, he didn’t talk about his hobby directly in the first few months that we went out together. So for a long time I laboured under the illusion that I had a rival for Cole’s love by the name of Penny Black.’
‘Jen loves everything to do with keepfit: water aerobics, spinning, pilates, cross-training, step aerobics… you name it, she does it. When we started living together, I soon discovered that we had rather different ideas of what constitutes a “Sunday morning workout”.’
Jobs
‘Ever the salesman, Kev talked Wendy into marrying him by offering a discount for bulk (he’s certainly got the stomach for it) and a buy-now-pay-later deal. And pay later she certainly will. Wendy, for her part, turned down his two-for-one offer but fully intends to hold him to his guarantee of absolute satisfaction. I just hope she’s kept the receipt!’
‘On my behalf of all my colleagues here today, I would like to say that there is no truth in the rumour that actuaries are people who found accountancy too exciting…’
‘OK, so during the week my bride/Dad/husband/best man works as a tax inspector/journalist/estate agent/traffic warden. But I’m glad to say that he/she is here today in his/her off-duty capacity as a blushing bride/proud father/loving human being…’
Jokes
‘A woman takes her beloved canary to the vet for an operation. Sadly, the bird dies on the table. But when the vet tells the woman the bad news, she refuses to accept it. “I demand that you check again just to make sure,” she says. Next thing she knows, a cat strolls into the surgery, jumps onto the table, sniffs the canary up and down, makes a loud meow, and walks out again. Before the woman can say anything a big golden labrador bounces in, leaps on to the table, licks the bird all over, gives a loud howl, then bounces out again. The vet says to the woman: “I’m afraid the bird is definitely dead. And here is your bill for £250.” The woman is flabbergasted. “A bill for £250!!! What’s that for???” “Well,” says the vet, “Normally it wouldn’t cost anything like that much. But with the CAT scan and the Lab test…”
‘A man walks into a dentists and says: “You’ve got to help me. I think I’m a moth.” The dentist says: “To be quite frank, I don’t think I can help. What you need is a psychiatrist. Why did you come in here anyway?” The man replies: “Well, the light was on…”’
‘A man walks into a doctor’s surgery completely wrapped in clingfilm. “Before you say anything,” says the doctor, “I can clearly see you’re nuts!“’
‘A naughty inflatable student is summoned to see the inflatable headmaster of an inflatable school. “That drawing pin incident,” the headmaster began. “Not only have you let yourself down, you’ve let me down, you’ve let the whole school down…”’
‘Two women meet at a party. ”Isn’t your ring on the wrong finger?” asks one. “I know,” says the other. “I married the wrong man.”
‘What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.’
‘Husband: “Why do you keep studying the wedding licence?” Wife: “I’m looking for loopholes.”’
‘A little girl spies on her pregnant Mum and asks her why her tummy is so big. “There’s a baby in there,’” says her Mum. “Where did it come from?” asks the little girl, persistently. “Your Daddy gave it to me.” So the little girl goes and sees her Dad. “Daddy, daddy,” she says. “You know that baby you gave to Mummy?” “Yeees,” says Dad, a little embarrassed. “Well,” sighs the little girl, “She’s only gone and eaten it.”
‘Mrs Werewolf: “Hello dear, how was your day?”
Mr Werewolf (just home from work, very moody):“Leave me alone! I don’t walk to talk about it!!”
Mrs Werewolf (spotting full moon out of the window): “Oh dear. Is it that time of the month again already?”’
Kissing
‘Seeing the bride and groom exchanging their first kiss as husband and wife today, I’m reminded of the artist who became so attracted to his model that he rushed round from behind his easel, grabbed her in his arms, and kissed her passionately. “Maybe your other models let you kiss them!” stormed the model. “But not me!” The artist looked hurt and said: “But I’ve never kissed a model before.” “Really?” she replied, softening a little. “And how many have there been?” “Four,” he replied. “An orange, two apples and a banana.”’
Before Henry’s first date with Emma, he rang me up. “How do I know when to make the first move?” he asked nervously. “Just kiss her when she least expects it,” I replied. Next time I saw him he was sporting a swollen eye. “What happened?” I asked. “Did you remember to kiss her when she least expects it?”. There was a pause. “Oh” he said. “I thought you said where…”’
Living together
‘Mary has done a fine job of turning Thierry from a scruffy, unreliable couch potato into a decent loving adult male human being. Her theory is that men are like wines. They start off as grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them a bit, then keep them in the dark till they mature. And hopefully they’ll end up turning into something halfway palatable that you wouldn’t mind having dinner with.’
‘Daisy has a little prayer she says whenever Brian is getting too much for her. “Lord, give me the wisdom to understand my man. Give me love so I can forgive him. Give me patience to cope with his moods. But please Lord don’t give me strength or I’ll give him the beating of his life.”’
‘Some mornings I wake up grouchy. And some mornings I just let him/her sleep in…’
‘Having co-habited for several years, Karen and Jason have come to an understanding. She doesn’t let him smoke in bed, and he doesn’t let her sleep in ashtrays.’
Love
‘In the beautiful words of Helen Rowland, “Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense.”’
‘The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother,’ said Henry Ward Beecher. ‘But a burger and fries from time to time is almost as good.’
‘”To love,” as someone once said, “is to catch a glimpse of heaven.” And looking at Cath and Dom’s radiant expressions today, I think we’ve all caught a bit of that divine radiance. [pause, cough] Either that, or my flu’s coming back/my trifle’s repeating on me.’
‘Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.’
‘Getting older doesn’t stop you from loving. But loving can stop you growing old at heart!’
‘Today is the perfect day to celebrate the fact that Kylie and Darren, who met in a revolving door three years ago, are still going round together…’
‘For better or worse, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health. Love and marriage are all about sticking together through thick and thin. That reminds me of the joke about the man who spends nights sleeping by his wife’s bedside when she falls sick. When she finally comes round, the wife says: “You’re always there for me in the bad times. When I got fired, you were a shoulder to lean on. When my business went under, you were a real rock. When we lost the house, you stood by my side. When the car got all smashed up, you gave me your shoulder to lean on. And here you are again, visiting me very day in the hospital. In fact, come to think about it, you bring me nothing but bad luck!!!”’
‘I can say with absolute confidence that Chris and Isabelle will never go the same way as a couple I know, where the man completely let himself go. One night, his wife said to him: “I can’t stand living with you. You leave the place like a pig sty, you wear the same dirty clothes all the time, you never have a bath. Just looking at you puts me off my food.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave?” says the man dejectedly. “I will,” says the woman. “As soon as I’ve lost another 12 pounds.”’
‘What’s the difference between lust, love and marriage? It’s love when your eyes meet across a crowded room. It’s lust when your tongues meet across a crowded room. And it’s marriage when your belt doesn’t meet across a crowded waistline…’
Marriage
‘Gabby said that when she grew up she wanted to marry the boy next door. [pause] She wasn’t allowed to cross the road.’
‘As you may know, the Best Man is currently single. He’s in the enviable position of being able to marry anyone he pleases; all he’s got to do now is find one he pleases. In fact, more and more women are choosing not to get married; he knows this, because they’ve all told him. He’s looking for a woman who’ll be able to take a joke. Well, it’s the only kind he’ll get…’
‘What’s the wife of a hippy called? Mississippi.
‘This marriage really is the perfect match. She likes jogging and he’s on the run from the law.’
‘Marriage is a kind of friendship recognised by the police.’
In the words of Groucho Marx, ‘Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?’
‘A good marriage is like a holiday. You never want it to end.’
‘A good marriage is like a cup of coffee: warm and rich, and sometimes keeps you up all night.’
‘One of the great things about marriage is that when you fall out of love with him/her — as will occasionally happen to even the most devoted of couples — marriage keeps you going till you fall back in love again.’
‘The happy couple are the perfect match. She’s a geologist and he’s on the rocks!’
Morning dress
‘It’s been great — if highly unusual – to see the Best Man and all the ushers dressed up in morning suits today. And if any of the bridesmaids are available and chocoholic, just think of the old advertising slogan, “P-p-p-p-pick up a penguin…”’
Mothers-in-law
‘What can I tell you about Paula? So fond am I of my mother-in-law, in fact, that I barely consider here to be my mother-in-law at all…’
Moving in
‘When Bettina moved in with Serge, his horizons expanded. Suddenly he was ushered into a whole new world with strange language and bizarre implements. He was initiated into the mysteries of combination skin and cleansing milk, eyelash curlers and cuticle removers. He learnt that straightening irons have nothing to do with golf, that ‘Exfoliator’ is not a Schwarznegger film, and that self-depilation doesn’t make you blind or put hair on your hands.’
Mum
‘Before he had the chance in a million of bumping into Louise at a conference, Dom used to complain that he’d spent his whole life looking for his soulmate but never found anyone who came close. “Well you’re never going to find her down at Blockbuster Video or KFC,” his Mum said.’
‘Possibly the only person more delighted to see me get married today is my Mum. When I was single and I went to a friend’s wedding, she’d ask me all about it afterwards. Then, slowly clearing away the tea things, she’d say something like, “She must have been so proud, the groom’s mother.” The chin starts to wobble slightly. And then: “I only hope I’m still around when — if — you ever get married.” Thanks for not putting on the pressure, Mum…’
‘I’d like to thank my Mum for putting up with me over the last few weeks and months, and for all her help in organising every last little detail of this very special day. And I don’t care what she says: she really does have eight pairs of hands!’
‘Last night John was staying at his Mum’s and woke up with a bit of a pain in a delicate place. “Let’s have a look,” says John’s Mum. “Come on, I’ve seen worse — I’ve seen it all before.” “Are you sure?” says John. “Course I have,” she says. “I’ve still got the pictures from when you were a New Romantic.”’
Music
‘Now at the risk of shocking some of you, I feel obliged to report that Cameron has a criminal record. He’s got several in fact: The Oldest Swinger in Town, Black Lace’s Greatest Hits, the original score of Yentl…’
Continue on for jokes N – T and jokes U – Z!
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