The best wedding speeches are the ones that made people laugh and cry. Here are some great jokes and one-liners for wedding speeches to get the guests giggling!
Image from Rachael & Andrew’s Real Wedding
Neighbours
‘A man hears some noise coming from next door’s garden. He looks over the fence and sees his neighbour digging furiously. “What are you up to?” he asks. “I’m digging a hole for my canary,” says the neighbour. “That’s a big hole for a canary, isn’t it?” says the man. “Not when it’s in your cat,” the neighbour replies
Nerves
‘Not for the first time today do I rise trembling from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand…’
‘I’d like to say a big thank you to Alka Seltzer and Immodium, my speech co-sponsors…’
‘Does anyone mind if I do this sitting down? Only my legs appear to have turned to jelly.’
‘Normally I’m a terrible public speaker, but I’m so proud to see my son/daughter/best friend/brother etc. get married today that I can barely summon a single nerve…’
‘I slept like a baby last night. I woke up crying every half an hour, screaming for my mum.’
[say at start of speech] ‘And so, ladies and gentlemen, will you please charge your glasses, and rise and join me… in the pub next door. This speech lark is far too much pressure, I’m going for a pint…’
Nocturnal habits
‘The other night, unable to sleep because of the noise coming from a certain person not a million miles from here, I sat up late watching an old black-and-white film of The Ten Commandments. “Dave’s snoring!” I said to myself. “It’s enough to wake the dead.” “Tell me about it,” says Moses, all of a sudden. “What do you think I’m doing up at this hour?’
‘Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.’
‘In today’s politically correct climate, I wouldn’t like to say that Stan has a snoring problem. He is perhaps, a trifle nocturnally challenged. Thankfully he doesn’t live in Massachusetts, where snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked. Or in Canada, where it’s grounds for divorce… Fortunately Myra has already found a solution to this little problem. It involves a piece of string, a golf ball, and a strong desire to keep hold of one’s privates…’
Office life
‘Jeanette was immediately attracted to Brian when they met at work because of his wild, devil-may-care attitude. Indeed, Brian was such a maverick that he could sometimes be seen doing photocopies with the lid up. In full view of the boss! And occasionally, he would even turn up for work wearing socks of a light gray or tan shade. Well, on Dress Down Fridays. Only sometimes.’
Outfits
‘Gina has had a strong influence on Terry’s wardrobe. Gone are the Mr Men socks, the Danger Mouse ties, the Team Ferrari sleeveless bodices and, for Christmas, his unforgettable Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer knitwear. Terry’s loss is the world’s gain…’
‘As you may or may not know, Samantha is obsessed with the colour purple. She’s got purple wellies, a purple car, purple kitchen roll and purple bedroom walls. You won’t believe the fight we had to put up to get her into a white dress today…’
Pets
‘Remember, Judy: a husband’s not just for Christmas…’
‘When she was little, Simone always wanted a pony. But how times have changed! Today she wouldn’t get out of bed for less than a couple of monkeys…’
‘The French often say of the British that they prefer animals to humans, and if they met Betty they’d find plenty of ammunition for their argument. Betty keeps a picture of her border collie, Jamie, on her desk at work; she employs a full-time rota of (heavily-vetted!) dog-sitters; and once even considered hiring a pet psychotherapist to cope with Jamie’s mood swings. But let me just put it on record, once and for all: there is NO TRUTH in the rumour that Betty told the girls on her hen night that Jamie kisses better than her new husband…!’
Politics
‘Polly and I fell out early on over politics. She asked me in a restaurant if I was Blairite. I replied that I’d always preferred Una Stubbs. Then she asked me what I thought of Cheri, and I’d said I sometimes have a glass with my Mum at Christmas…’
Preparations
‘This has been the best organised wedding I’ve ever attended. Never before have I been to a wedding where the bats in the belfry are wearing corsages, or where five vicars were rejected because their eye colour didn’t coordinate with the bridal dress. And when one of the ushers complained of feeling “a bit green around the gills “ this morning, he was told it was the wrong shade of green and made to go and have three stiff whiskies before he was allowed to rejoin the wedding party,’
‘I’m not saying they’ve overdone the preparations for this party, but last night I was asked to prepare a toast for the stand-in bride and groom.’
Priests
‘There were so many priests on the altar today that I thought we were filming the new sequel to Men in Black…’
Public speaking
‘Unaccustomed as I am to pubic spanking… er… to public spending… er… to public speaking…’
Qualifications
‘Now Dave was very popular at school with the lads for his practical jokes and his astonishing footballing skills. He was pretty popular with the girls too, as I recall. But on the qualifications front, he didn’t fare quite so well. I’m not saying he’s not very academic, but Dave’s the only person I know who’s been expelled from the School of Hard Knocks and sent down from the University of Life. Which was a great shame, really, as he’d only got in through clearing in the first place…’
Quotations
‘Ladies and gentlemen, it seems to me that a quotation is a handy thing to have about one, saving one the trouble of thinking for oneself. [pause] I think it was AA Milne who said that. [pause] In fact, it might even be said that padding something with quotations is usually done when the author is afraid to present his own opinions or else is anxiously to show that he is widely read. [pause] And that was Philip Bonewits…’
Religion
‘A newly-wed couple decide to join a church. The vicar tells them, “We’d be delighted to welcome you into our fold. All we ask first is that you abstain from sex for two weeks then come back and see us.” Two weeks later they return. “How did it go?” asks the vicar. “Well, not very well,” says the husband. “What happened?” asks the vicar. “Well my wife was reaching up for a packet of corn flakes on the top shelf, and the sight of her stretching so excited me that I had to make love to her there and then. “Then I’m afraid you won’t be welcome in our church,” says the vicar. “We’re not too popular at the supermarket either,” says the man.’
‘My courtship with Carole got off to a terrible start when we had a huge row about religion. Of course, I knew she was an Anglican. I just didn’t realise about the Archbishop of Canterbury…’
‘Tracey has been a believer in reincarnation since way back when… ooh, right back to her mollusk days.’
Research
‘When I was preparing this speech, I decided to phone round as many of Cath’s friends and family as I could to see what I could find out about her. Yet strangely, no one would return my calls. Finally, I discovered the truth: “You’ll get nothing out of me,” one tight-lipped girlfriend said. “She’s got too much dirt on us as it is.”’
School days
‘I’ve been lucky enough to obtain… [produces battered sheaf of paper] one of Jonathan’s early school reports. It contains some interesting material that will shed light on the kind of husband Kate can expect him to be. Under Home Economics, for instance, we read: “Always willing to experiment, though rarely so keen on clearing up.” Maths? “He enjoys arithmetic, but can’t always get everything to add up.” Under English, we read: “Capable of great flights of fancy, Jonathan seems at times to be living in a world of his own.” And for physical education, it says: “Enthusiastic if rather lacking in technique, Jonathan expends a great deal of energy for very little result.”’
‘I’ve no wish to embarrass Rob in harking back to his school days. Besides, I think old “Splatter Knickers” did a pretty good job of that himself already…’
‘If you’ve ever seen the size of Dan in any of his early school photos, you’ll know that while he enjoyed his time at St Peters, these were hardly his salad days. In fact, it was more a case of Hello Mr Chips…’
‘When she was 13, Wendy fell heavily in love with Mr Gregory, the geography teacher. To this day she can still recite the annual mean rainfall of Outer Mongolia…’
Sporting prowess
‘Gareth is so competitive that he has his personal best time for driving to work chalked up on a black board in his garage.’
‘Gavin is so obsessed with sport that he’s got an earpiece tucked in his buttonhole with a direct link to Radio Five Live. ’
‘Simon prides himself on his fitness levels but he can’t even run a bath without getting breathless. Ask him if he’s done any exercise this week and he’ll say, “Sure: three frames of pool and a round of darts.” In fact he’s the only man I know who owns a pair of what he calls “pub trainers”.’
‘If you ever wondered what true love is, you only have to watch Janine turning up on a Saturday morning to cheer on Greg as he bats for the local cricket team. Anyone who can sit through that carnage, week in, week out, must be truly devoted.’ At first she used to shout encouragingly: “Come on, darling!” But now it’s: “Just give ME the bat, you plonker!!”’
Stag do
‘I’d love to tell you how, on his stag night, Steve got a tattoo on his behind, flirted with a seven-foot transvestite, had a brush with the police and woke up on a fishing boat off Norway. But as usual, he had three pints of light and bitter and crashed out in the corner…’
Tears
‘Wow, what an emotional service! I know they say that it’s good to shed tears at a wedding, but I’ve never seen domino-crying on that scale before. Once someone in the first row had gone, the weeping epidemic spread through the crowd and soon the whole room was awash. Even the organist was splashing great big tears on to her keyboard. I haven’t seen anything like that since the great floods of 1992…’
Ticklish
‘Having got to know Toby very well over the past 18 months of our courtship, I can tell you that he’s got a funny little spot under his chin which, if you tickle it, drives him absolutely mad. I mean livid. And I know he’d just love it if, after the speeches, we all queue up to give his chin a little tickle… [turns to partner] Wouldn’t you dear?’
Touchy
‘I wouldn’t say Simon’s touchy about his receding hairline, but on the stag do he turned down three perfectly good boiled eggs…’
Transport and travel
‘Mike thought that Liz was doing all the transport arrangements. How come? Because, he said, she keeps talking about a “wedding train”.’
‘The other day Harry rang me in a real panic. “How are we going to get to the wedding?” he said. “I’ll give you a lift,” I replied. “Why, what’s the matter?” “Well, apparently Trish has got her own train,” he replied.’
‘Kerry is such a heavy packer that as we were getting our things together to leave for our honeymoon, I actually had to show her a picture proving that they have kitchen sinks in Sardinia…’
‘Why does it take millions of sperm to track down one egg? Because none of them will stop and ask directions.’
‘A man approaches the Mexican border on his bicycle. The guard spots the two large bags he’s carrying, and asks him what’s in them. “Sand,” says the cyclist. The guard doesn’t believe him, makes him get off his bike and searches him thoroughly. Sure enough, even though he pulls the bags apart, all he can find is sand, so he has to let the cyclist through. Next week, the same thing happens. This time the guard sends the contents of the cyclist’s bags off for tests, but the results prove that it’s only sand, just as the man says. The same thing happens every week for the next three years: every time the guard searches the man’s bags, but turns up only sand. Then one day, off duty, the guard bumps into the cyclist in a bar. “Look,” he says. “I won’t tell a soul, but I know you’re smuggling something. It’s driving me mad trying to work it out. Please just tell me what it is so I can sleep again at nights?” “Bicycles,” says the cyclist.’
