‘I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say how much we all wish Penny and Tim a long and happy future together. Although I’m not sure it’s a good sign that she keeps going round introducing Tim as “my first husband”.’
Popping the question
‘I’ll never forget it. It was a beautiful summer’s evening, the birds were signing and a cool breeze was gently ruffling Cath’s silken tresses. The moment was perfect. My heart was in my mouth as I leaned over and whispered in her ear. “Cath,” I said, trembling. “Don’t you think it’s time we… got Sky Sports?/laid some decking in the garden?/bought a microwave?”’
‘We were on a romantic weekend break, in Barcelona. As we sat outside after a wonderful sea food meal with loads of wine out by the Marina, James gazed into my eyes and — in a slightly slurred voice — said the immortal words: “Monica, will you carry me?”’
Wives
‘If girls are inclined to marry men just like their father, is that why so many mothers cry at weddings?’
New man
‘I’ll never forget the day Anne told me I was going to marry her…’
‘John claims to be a real new man. He says that once he’s married, he’s going to take on 50 per cent of all the household chores and shopping, and when the time comes, 50 per cent of all the childcare duties too. The only things that could possibly get in the way of these noble sentiments are: his allergy to Domestos, the fact that he can’t tie his own shoe laces — let alone wipe someone else’s bum — oh, and his six-year stretch for perjury.’ [At this point, you could have a heckler planted who shouts: ‘He told me it was only four years!’]
Names
‘I understand that Sophie has agreed to take Andy’s unpronounceable surname. Let us hope she never tells anyone where she’s hidden it.’
Who wears the trousers?
‘And so, as the one who’ll be calling the shots in this marriage… [pause, looks down uncertainly at notes] …at least I think that’s what’s written down here…’
‘In today’s ceremony, as you may have noticed, I did not actually say that I would “obey” my new husband. I mean, come on: it’s all I can do to respect him…’
Whirlwind romance
‘It seems incredible that the person I walked up the aisle with today is someone I didn’t even know six months ago. In fact I had a terrible nightmare that I’d forget Tina’s name. But then the Best Man had a brainwave: If in doubt just call her “Mrs —“ [Say your surname. Pause.]. ‘Sorry not Tina, Julie. I mean Tracey. I mean…’
Shoes
‘Jane and shoes. Two words. Imelda Marcos.’
Shopping
‘Tony and Tina, however well matched, have learnt that the secret of a harmonious relationship is not to go shopping together. Tina likes to spend all day buying one thing, flitting from one shop back to another to compare looks and prices, and buying four pairs of shoes to try on again at home when she only needs one pair. If Tony ruled the world, shops would be open for one hour a day and everyone would have to turn up with a list and say: “I want this, this, this,” and be done with it.’
Wisdom
‘As a father and grandfather who has been happily married for more than three decades, I would like to offer the bride and groom the advice of an old man: “Never go to sleep on a quarrel, never try and whistle with jelly in your mouth, and never eat yellow snow.’
‘As a wise person once said: “Take care that your final word in one argument in the not the first word of the next one.”’
Star signs
‘Neither William nor I really believes in star signs or horoscopes. I know: typical bloody Taureans!’
‘When I first met Dave, I couldn’t believe that I’d ever fall for him. Sure he was tall, dark and handsome, kind and gentle, with a massive brain and a great sense of humour. But a Piscean!!’
Second time round
‘Many of you may know that this is not my first wedding. But I can categorically assure you that it’ll definitely be my last…’
Romance
‘The other day Mick came up to me with his face all scratched. “What happened?” I asked. “My girlfriend said it with flowers.” “That sounds romantic,” I said. “Not really,” says Mick. “She pushed a bunch of roses in my face!”’
‘Last night I dreamt I was dancing with the most beautiful woman/handsome man in the world. Let me tell you what my wife/husband was wearing.’
‘Today’s couple are a perfect match. He’s blinded by love and she’s outta sight!!’
‘A woman’s secret to romantic happiness consists of five easy steps:
1. Find a man who cooks and cleans and knows how to mend things.
2. Find a man who makes you laugh.
3. Find a man who’s warm, honest, reliable and loves children.
4. Find a man who’s a wonderful lover who satisfies your every need.
5. Make sure that these four men never meet.’
‘Let me give you an idea of how romantic these two are. Every morning, Mick gets up first to make Norma breakfast: a cup of coffee, a croissant and half a fresh grapefruit. “And do you know?” Norma told me. “He even goes to the trouble of removing all the pips from my portion.” “That’s so romantic,” I replied. “Yes it is, I suppose,” signed Norma. “Only I can’t stand grapefruit.”’
‘Deborah and Colin met in the most romantic way, in a little French restaurant. She was sitting at another table when she suddenly started choking on a fishbone. Colin immediately rushed over to her, patted her hard on the back, performed the Heimlich maneuver, and sorted the problem. Looking at the bone she choked up, he said: “What’s a plaice like this doing in a girl like you?”’
‘I like to say that Liz and Mike were destined for one another. When they met, she was an occupational therapist specialising in mental health and he… well, he just needed all the help he could get.’
‘When Rob summoned up the courage to ask Katherine for a kiss, she said nothing. Well, it’s impossible to talk and laugh at the same time, isn’t it?’
If you would like more help finding out How to Deliver the Perfect Wedding Speech, check the Wedding Directory for professional speech writers – it’s money well spent if they help make a stand-up comic out of you for the day!
