Wedding speeches for you to adapt, for when loved ones cannot be present…
By the father of the bride
‘I have here a message from my brother Ted, who cannot be here today because of poor health. Ted has asked me to pass on his best wishes to the happy couple, and to remind Gavin that everyone here would surely be delighted to hear his charming “Marmite and Swarfega” story… Are you alright, Gavin?? You look a trifle pale…’
‘I’d like to read now, if I may, a postcard from my son, Colin ‐ Toby’s brother ‐ who’s currently on active service at an undisclosed location (or so he says): “Sorry I can’t be there bruv, but these Hollywood award ceremonies are a real killer. I swear if I have to attend another star‐studded, all‐night pool party, I’m going to go mad! Anyway, enjoy tonight’s barn dance…’
By the groom
‘I have here a note from my step mum, Carole, who wanted to be here today but decided that there is enough tension in the world today without causing another ruck! Seriously though, folks, she sends her love and best wishes to me and Paula and we’re grateful for her kind thoughts and her lovely flowers.’
‘My wife and I want to say a big thank you to Father Michael, who admirably stepped in at the last minute in place of our dear old friend Father Andrew, who was called away on a parish emergency at the eleventh hour. Fr Michael tells me Andrew has just been in touch to say: “Sorry I couldn’t get to the church on time ‐‐ but just you try and stop me doing the christening!”’
By the best man
‘And now I’d like to read a couple of telegrams. The first one says: “Sorry I couldn’t be there Bob, but you how funny Michael gets about these things. Still, we’ll always have that night of “fatal attraction” in Merthyr Tydfil…” And that’s signed… “Catherine Z‐J”…’
‘And here’s a message from our old schoolmate and partner in crime, Pete Best: “Sorry I couldn’t make it to your big day, Baz, but there’s loads of really good telly on this afternoon. In fact, I can’t believe you chose a wedding date that overlapped with the Hollyoaks Omnibus! Still, hopefully I’ll have worked out how to programme the video in time for your new next wedding…” Ahem, thanks very much Pete ‐‐ that’s absolutely charming…’
By the bride
‘I have here a letter from my Dad who wasn’t able to be here today. “Dearest Sarah, I’m so sorry not to be there for your special day but ‐‐ as we both agreed ‐‐ it’s probably for the best. But I want you to know how much I love you and am thinking of you both on this wonderful occasion. It’s hard for a father to lose his only daughter ‐‐ but Jake is a decent, kind man and I am happy to see you in such safe hands. I wish you both every happiness for your life together.”’
‘Finally, I’d like to just read a quick note from my best friend Patsy, who decided not to attend my wedding for the very feeble reason that she’s currently in labour. It says: “Good luck Meg. OW! OW! OOOOOOW!!” Not much of a message really, but I suppose it’s the thought that counts…’
