Wedding speeches for you to adapt, for unfortunate absences
By the Father of Bride
‘It’s wonderful to see so many people who’ve travelled so far to come and join us in our celebrations today. Sadly, Bob and Alice were unable to get over from Australia, and they are sorely missed today. But I know that they’re thinking about us today, and raising a glass to Kate and Jim even as we speak. Or they will when they wake up, anyway!’
‘I know I speak for everyone when I say how much we miss my mum, who sadly can’t with us today because of ill‐health. Mary has always been the life and soul of the party, so she’ll be particularly upset to miss out on this debauched knees‐up! But thanks to the wonders of technology, we’ll be going round to visit her tomorrow, with fully edited video highlights of today’s action…’
By the Groom
‘Just in case you’re wondering… Andy ‐ my oldest friend and original choice for best man ‐ can’t be here to perform his duties because of a broken leg. Andy maintains that the accident occurred whilst bull‐running in Pamplona, but my sources inform me that he actually dropped a steam iron on his foot, thereby aggravating an old step aerobics injury… While we all wish him well, it’s a relief to introduce my next oldest friend, Pete, who has slightly less dirt on me…’
‘I’d just like to say a quick word about my brother Jim, who can’t be with us today. He told us he was off training with the British Olympic squad in Colorado, but I had my doubts when his present arrived this morning: three Woodbines and a T‐shirt made out of mail‐bags.’
By the Best Man
‘Let me tell you, the run‐up to this wedding was really hectic, with all sorts of unexpected last‐minute changes. Most drastic of all was when Liz decided to swap her actual choice of groom. So out when “Si”, her slovenly, hopelessly‐turned‐out, never‐on‐time grunt of a partner these last seven years. And in came “Simon”, this strange new man you see before you: impeccably dressed, polite, attentive… and EARLY!!!’
‘Although I have known Russell for ten years, there is someone else who’s known him even longer. Nick went to primary school with Russell and has been causing mischief with him ever since, but unfortunately could not be here today. Contrary to popular belief, Russell has not amputated Nick’s legs in a desperate attempt to avoid the spectacle of him attempting to body‐pop later on, but he is currently acting as best man at his brother’s wedding. Hard luck Russell looks like you’re stuck with me instead. Naked Twister, anyone?’
By the Bride
‘You may have noticed that my dear friend Theresa is not here today to perform her usual role of hand‐holder and general calming influence over proceedings. I can assure you, however, that she has a more than adequate excuse for missing the celebrations as she delivered a lovely baby boy, Josh, just four days ago. Look’s like it’ll be a hard day’s night for all of us!’
‘At this point I’d like to take a moment to mention my best friend Katie, who cannot be here today because of a bereavement in her own family. Our thoughts are with here at this difficult time, and we send her and her family all our love and condolences.’
