The best wedding speeches are the ones that made people laugh and cry. Here are even more great jokes and one-liners for wedding speeches to get the guests giggling!
Image from Joanna & Tom’s Real Wedding
Upstanding…
‘And so, without further ado, let me ask those of you who still can to stand up and join me in a toast…’
‘And so will everyone now please raise their glasses – and themselves…’
‘And so, in the words of my ex-girlfriend, “I’m going to leave you now…”’
Ushers
‘If anyone needs assistance at all today, please don’t hesitate to call an usher. You can’t miss them: they’re the ones wearing caps and holding torches…’
‘I’d just like to apologise if you were one of the many people my brother-in-law Jack loudly told to “SHUT IT!!!” during the service. He thinks that’s what the usher’s job is.’
‘Look how smartly turned all the ushers are today. It’s because they’ve all come straight from court…’
‘At a wedding I heard about recently, an usher spotted a man at the back of the church who was sprawled out over three seats. “I must ask you, sir,” said the usher politely, “to sit up straight in your place. We need to make space for more guests.” The man said nothing, but emitted a loud groan. So the usher repeated his request, but the man merely groaned again. The usher wondered if he was dealing with a random drunk who’d just wondered into the wedding service by accident. So he said: “Please can I ask you, sir, where you’ve come from?” “The choir loft,” groaned the man.’
‘An usher is a bit like the body at an Irish wake. Everyone expects you to be there; but no one expects you do very much…’
Weather
‘The day after Bill met Gwen, he phoned me up and said: “I’m going to get that girl up the aisle, come rain or shine.’ And strangely, we’ve had both today.’
Wedding reception
‘Tonight we are lucky enough to have as our DJ Steve, spinning the platters that matters. Like all official wedding DJs, Steve has a special license permitting him to play The Birdie Song/Lady in Red/Agadoo…’ [etc]
‘Did you hear about the two antennae that got married? Apparently the ceremony wasn’t up to much, but the reception was terrific.’
Wedding rehearsal
‘At a wedding rehearsal, the groom took the priest on one side and offered him £100 if he’d miss out the word “obey” when it came to the “love, honour and obey” bit. The priest nodded and took the cash. But on the day, when it came to the words of the ceremony, the groom was shocked to hear the priest ask him: “Do you promise to grant her every wish, make her breakfast in bed every day, and never even look at another woman, so long as you both shall live?” “Yes,” says the groom with a gulp. Afterwards he goes and sees the priest. “I thought we had a deal!” he said accusingly. The priest gives the groom back his £100. “I’m afraid I had a better offer,” he replied.’
Wedding service
‘An engaged couple met their vicar for a chat about the forthcoming ceremony. The vicar explained that they could choose between a contemporary and a traditional service, and the couple, being young, decided to go contemporary. Come the big day, a great storm broke, and on the way to the church the groom had to roll up his trouser legs. But still he managed to reach the church on time and take his place at the altar. As soon as the vicar saw him, he rushed over and hissed: “Pull your trousers down!!!” The groom gulped and said, “Do you think we could have traditional after all?”’
Wedding jitters
‘As Martin’s father/best friend/Best Man [etc] let me tell you that he has been so keen for the wedding to go as smoothly as possible — to get hitched without a hitch, so to speak — that he literally turned grey with worry. Which is not a good look for a bald man, believe me…’
‘I can’t help wondering whether Jenny was having second thoughts as we drove over to the church this morning. She kept asking me where reverse was…’
Wedding day
‘Of course today Colette looked wonderfully relaxed and composed throughout the whole ceremony. Not like a wedding I attended recently, where the bride confessed to her Maid of Honour just beforehand that she was worried she’d completely forget what to do. “You’ve just got to remember three things,” said her friend. “First, walk nice and straight down the aisle. Second, stop and stand when you get to the altar. And third, sing along with the hymn: it’ll relax you.” So as the bride arrived at the wedding, she was heard muttering to herself over and over again: “AISLE ALTAR HYMN”, “AISLE ALTAR HYMN”…’
‘But on a serious note, we should be grateful that today is not the wedding day of John Lennon’s widow and the lead singer of U2. Otherwise we’d be toasting “Yoko Bono”. Or if today were the wedding day of Salvador Dali and Dolly Parton, then we’d be congratulating “Dolly Dali”. Then again, imagine if today was the wedding day of Sondra Locke, who had just divorced Elliot Ness so she could marry Herman Munster… and become “Sondra Locke Ness Munster”. And what if Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, then left her to marry Gregory Peck, then divorced him to marry Ben Hur? That’s right. Today we’d be raising our glasses to none other than… Woody Wood Peck Hur.
‘It’s not been easy for Sonia to find a man to share her wedding day with who is warm, caring, funny, well-dressed and hygienic. They’ve nearly all got boyfriends already.’
‘During the ceremony today I overheard one little girl say to her Mum: “Mummy, Mummy, why is the bride dressed all in white?” Her Mum smiled and replied: “Because white is the colour of happiness and today is the happiest day of the bride’s life.” There was a pause and then the little girl piped up again. “Mummy, Mummy,” she asked. “Then why is the groom all dressed in black?!”’
‘Today’s wedding is a love match, pure as simple. She’s pure, and he’s simple.’
‘What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newly-webs.’
‘Did you hear about the two bed bugs that were lovers? They got married in the spring.’
‘Isn’t it amazing how history repeats itself? Years ago, Justin’s parents were putting him to bed with a dummy. And now it’s happening all over again!!’
‘For Susanne, today is the beginning of a whole new era in her life. Many things will be different from now on. In Florida, women who are single, widowed or divorced are not permitted by law to parachute on Sunday afternoons. But as of today, Susanne can now jump out a plane over Disneyworld any time she likes…’
‘It’s lucky Jon wasn’t left to organise the big day today. If he had been in charge, the bride and bridesmaids would all have been obliged to wear bikinis, the date of the ceremony would keep changing as Jon tried to avoid any last-minute clashes with sporting events, we’d all be eating buckets of chicken instead of this fine spread, and we’d be toasting the happy couple with magnums of Bud Lite.’
Wedding gifts
‘Looking at all the wonderful gifts we’ve received today, I’m reminded of the story of the couple who got engaged when they were both in their 90s. They went for a stroll to discuss their wedding plans, and wandered into a big chemists. “Excuse me,” asked the couple, “Do you sell heart medication?” “Yes,” said the pharmacist. “And what about rheumatism cream?” “Oh yes.” “Viagra?” “Yes sir.” “Vitamins and sleeping pills?” “Most certainly.” “Indigestion tablets and denture cleanser?” “All kinds.” The couple looked at each other excitedly. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” said the man. “Oh yes,” said the woman. Then they turn back to the pharmacist and said: “We’d like to have our wedding list here please.”’
‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to thank you for all the many gifts you have so kindly given us today. There they all sit, piled up on that big table over there. I’m glad to say that we haven’t received three toasters or 15 candle sets. I know this already without unwrapping them because, like Darth Vader, I can feel your presents…’
X-factor
‘There was definite chemistry between Mary and Greg from the first day they met. He plied her with dihydrochloride benzylene and she made a beeline for his Leibig condenser…’
‘What is the secret chemistry that makes for a wonderful wedding and a loving marriage? Clearly it’s not a formula you can bottle, or someone would have made a fortune from it years ago. But I look at my parents/parents-in-law/grandparents [amend as appropriate], who are still clearly in love with each to this day, and I say to myself: “I’ll have a pint of whatever they’re on.”’
Yum, yum
‘What a fantastic spread we’ve enjoyed today. On behalf of everyone I’d like to say to the cooks/chef/caterers: “Undo me belt, you’re nearer”’.
You’re doing it wrong…
…if the little figures on your wedding cake are wearing overalls
…if the wedding ceremony has been scheduled to take place during the halftime of a football match
…if the bridal bouquet has been recycled from a nearby funeral or flowerbed
…if the morning suits have big football numbers on the back and team logos
…if a big slobbery Labrador has been given the role of best man
…if, instead of a sit-down spread or buffet, you hand round buckets of chicken pieces
Zzzzz…
[perhaps pointing at someone who looks like they might be a likely candidate for dozing off] ‘Of course, in certain cultures it’s considered a compliment when a respected guest dozes off during your speech. [pulls out enormous bullhorn, gong, bell or similar] ‘But I don’t think that we’ll have that problem here, do you?’
